Explosions and Jam?
by Here Kitty Kitty Kitty
Summary: Black*Star's married, Soul's an idiot, and Maka can't get any. Also Senna's looking for jam, Lemmy's blowing shit up and Elliot wishes he was never born. Semi-crack and contains my OCs from 'Soul Eater Revival'.
1. Is the Author on Drugs?

**Got really bored. This'll be a two parter… or maybe eight? I don't know. Again boredom is a drug. READ AND REVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!**

**Crack in The House; Is The Author on Drugs?**

Dante stumbled into the living room, "Bitches be like daaaamn girl…"

Senna raised an eyebrow as she put down her _50 Shades_ book and turned off **The Golden Girls**, "You're fucking high right now?"

He squinted at her, "Bojangles how the hell'd you get in my house?"

Senna stood up from the couch and started walking towards the door, "I'm going to Tsubaki's. Pretty sure nothing stupid's going on there."

She headed for the door but he wrapped his arms around her waist, "WAIT WHAT IF THE FIRE BREATHING TRASHBAGS COME BACK?!"

"THEN I HOPE THEY ALONG WITH TALKING GUMMY BEARS KILL YOUR ASS!"

**AT TSUBAKI'S (WHICH YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT SENNA WAS HEADING THERE)**

Tsubaki walked into the living room, "Senna just called, she's on her way over."

He raised an eyebrow, "Are we gonna tell her?"

She smiled, "Senna can be really understanding at times." Black*Star was about to comment when they heard,

"THAT FUCKING WELP! HOW DARE HE CALL ME BOJANGLES IN MY OWN DAMN HOUSE!"

Tsubaki sighed, "Then again sometimes she can be a real bitch…"

The door slammed open, "I demand toast woman. With jam." She said as she plopped onto the couch. Tsubaki sighed as she walked into the kitchen. Black*Star and Senna sat in uncomfortable tense silence until she returned, "Hell yeah jam mutherfucker!" She bit into a piece while glancing at Black*Star and Tsubaki, "Did I miss something?"

Tsubaki took a deep breath but Black*Star blurted it out, "Tsubaki and I got married."

Senna stared at them, "What. The. Fuck?"

Black*Star stood and hurried towards the door, "GOING TO SOUL'S! LOVE YOU! BYE!"

Senna glared at Tsubaki, "I must have got a contact high from Dante because what just came out of his mouth can't be possible…"

"It's true."

"IS EVERYONE FUCKING HIGH TODAY?!"

**SOUL AND MAKA'S**

Black*Star was sitting comfortably on Soul's couch as Soul sat in shock. The news Black*Star had just told him shocked into a state of which even Excalibur might not escape.

Maka came walking into the living room with a tray in her hands, "I thought you guys could use some lemonade." She said happily.

Soul recovered, "Black*Star just told me he and Tsubaki got hitched."

She blinked, "Heh?"

"They're married."

She turned and glared at Black*Star, "You don't get any lemonade…"

Black*Star stood up, "Well this has been a lovely visit… We must do it again… BYE!" He rushed out.

Soul ran a hand through his hair, "Fuck me…"

"When? Where? How?" Maka said quickly.

"What?"

"NOTHING!" She rushed into her room.

**GALLOW'S MANOR**

"Soooo…" Kid started as he glared down at Dante, Ed, and Elliot, "What you're trying to tell me is that now whenever the people you live with give you grief… You run over here."

"Yep." They all said.

Patty and Liz came running in. Patty was dressed in a ridiculous blue skating outfit, "GUESS WHERE I'M GOING?!"

"A sanitarium up north?" Ed proposed.

Kid sighed, "Patty these ridiculous gimmicks you keep getting yourself into are tiresome. Can't you see I'm trying to scold here? I'm trying to tell them that they can't run here whenever they have a problem."

"Ooooh I see. You know, whenever me and sis get into a fight and she threatens to leave I just give her a big hug and everything gets all better because hugs are like kisses with your arms and are warm and squishy and make everyone feel better." She explained.

"Ever smoke enough pot that Patty makes sense?" Dante asked, "Me neither."

She went on, "But it's not just hugs that make everything better, tickles also help because tickles make the world go round and round, but sometimes you have to stop tickling because your sister can't breathe and she yells 'Stop! Stop!' but you don't listen because you're having just way to much fun and from then on your sister never lets you tickle her again because last time she had to go to the hospital because her tummy hurt so bad an-" Liz clamped her hand over Patty's mouth,

"I think Patty's made two very good points here. One, not all psychotics are dangerous. Two, all you need to do is apologize and all is forgotten."

Elliot shook his head, "I don't know, I still think Patty has the capacity to kill."

Suddenly Black*Star came running through the house, "ME AND TSUBAKI GOT MARRIED! BYE!" He ran back through, "OH AND LEMMY'S PREGGERS!"

Everyone turned to stare at Ed who was suddenly missing. Kid raised an eyebrow, "What an amazing clusterfuck that just happened here."

Patty nodded, "I wonder if Lemmy noticed she's not in this chapter? Oh she will be very pissed…"

'_Lemmy doesn't give a shit'_ as she stood on the roof of Gallows Manor with a few sticks of dynamite, "I'll teach them to leave me out." She said lighting the fuse before dropping it on the balcony as she jumped and pulled her parachute, "TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING BITCHES." She yelled smiling with a devious grin, "I LOVE YOU ED BUT YOU GUYS CAN BE REAL PRICKS SOMETIMES." As she landed she watched the huge explosion in the distance, "Ha..ha I get the last laugh now."

Blood pulled up in a bright red Camaro and took off his shades, "Hey girl, 'bout time we dissed those guys."

She stared at him for a moment, "Wait… YOU WEREN' T IN THE FUCKING HOUSE?" She fell to her knees, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO!"

**To be continued…**


	2. Has the Author Officially Lost It?

Crack and a Half; Has the Author Officially Lost It?

Excalibur came walking up, singing his diddy, "Excalibur, Excalibur From the United Kingdom, I'm looking for heaven-"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Lemmy said rising from her knees, "Are you fucking kidding me?! I could've sworn he was in the house too!"

Blood's head was on the steering wheel, "Why's everyone gotta be haters? Bitch be like 'oh you should've exploded too'. No remorse man. No remorse because I'm a man."

Lemmy grabbed his collar, "BLOOD! WE HAVE A PROBLEM! EXCALIBUR IS STILL ALIVE!"

He scowled at her, "Oh now you care that I'm alive." He turned on the ignition and started driving off, "I'M GONNA GET A HOOKER!" He yelled driving towards the Death City Red Light District.

Lemmy turned to Excalibur as he said, "Would you like to hear my legend?"

"FUCK OFF!" She said turning away.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'. My legend begins in the twelfth century, or maybe the thirteenth century. Maybe it was the eleventh century but I thought it was the twelfth century because of miraculous perditions in the middle of an everlasting slap to the face of fancities that I was once a fan of, because my youth. I was a young scamp in the old days, well I had to, or else I would be an old scamp which is impossible because scamp refers to someone of a younger generation and saying I was older would refer to an older person meaning I was not a scamp, but maybe a champ of ages. Going from to shining sea and making my way in the world, going from town to town, not caring who I ran into or who I faced-"

"HELP! I'M BEING MIND RAPED BY A VAMPIRE!" Lemmy yelled as she ran off.

**BLACK*STAR AND TSUBAKI'S**

"Did you see that explosion?" Senna asked.

"Yeah I hope everyone's okay?" Tsubaki noticed staring adamantly at her toast, "Is something wrong?"

"This… IS RASPBERRY JAM BITCH!" She threw the toast at her, "I SAID BLACKBERRY WOMAN! Make it again."

Tsubaki sighed, "Okay… but turn on the radio so we can hear the news."

Senna grumbled as the news station came on, _'Hello this is Hanna Woods reporting for DC News. Two disturbing reports have come in in the last hour. Gallows Manor exploded today after some crazy bitch with teal bangs dropped a stick of dynamite onto the balcony. The police have no idea who could have done something like this, but if you see anyone suspicious, like a crazy bitch with teal bangs,RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!' _A small alarm was heard before, _'This is Malachi Sutton sitting in for Hanna Woods who ran out suddenly due to mental instability and is about to be executed by Lord Death himself. In other news a vampire in a top hat is running around asking if people wanna hear his legend. Authorities are requiring everyone to carry crucifixes and holy water. Until tomorrow.'_

Senna scratched her head as Tsubaki walked in, "So anything interesting happen?" She asked handing her a plate with toast.

Senna switched off the radio, "Nope. Nothing." She took a bite of the toast, "Strawberry?" She threw the plate down, "THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT TSUBAKI!"

"I'M SORRY! WE DON'T HAVE BLACKBERRY!" Tsubaki said cowering.

"FINE! YOU'RE NO FUN ANYWAY!" Senna said stomping away.

**GALLOWS MANOR**

"THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT KID!" Liz screamed as she climbed out of the rubble.

"How the hell was I supposed to know Lemmy was gonna try to kill us all?" He said looking around, "Too… Much… Discord…" He collapsed.

Patty nodded, "I told you she would be pissed."

Dante yelled from under the rubble, wrapped in a sheet, "I'm a taco? No I'm a burrito? NO! I'M A DOOBIE!" He squeaked, "Quick, someone light me up and smoke my magical doobie-ness!"

"I WILL!" Patty yelled as she lit his hair and started huffing near his feet.

Elliot and Ed shook their heads, "Part of me really doesn't want to be in this chapter…" Elliot sighed.

"Me too." Ed said.

They heard a motorcycle engine cut off and Senna ran up to Kid, "HEY! Got any blackberry jam?"

"Does it look like I have jam?" He gestured to the rubble, "I don't even have a fucking house!"

She stared at him for a moment before scoffing, "Shit all you would have had to say was 'no'. TAKE A PILL!" She jumped on her motorcycle, "TO THE SUPERMARKET!" She sped off.

Lemmy ran over to Ed and grabbed his collar, "DID YOU KNOW EXCALIBUR IS STILL ALIVE?!"

He motioned to his spazzed out hair, "Did you know you tried to BLOW ME THE FUCK UP?"

"I said I loved you."

He stood up, "HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BRING A CHILD INTO A WORLD WHERE YOU KEEP TRYING TO BLOW UP ITS FATHER?" She shrugged.

Black*Star busted out of the rubble, "HELL YEAH! I SURVIVED!" He noticed Patty trying to smoke Dante, "Can I have a hit"

**MAKA AND SOUL'S**

"Maka why is their blackberry jam in the lemonade?" Soul asked.

"Why did Black*Star propose to Tsubaki?" She retorted.

"These are all good questions." Said another voice. They turned to see Excalibur standing there, "But I believe the better question is 'Who would like to hear my legend'?"

Soul and Maka looked at each other before screaming, "IT'S THE MIND RAPING VAMPIRE!" And jumping out the window.

"Wha-" Excalibur was cut off by the house exploding.

Lemmy walked off snickering, "Let's see if he can survive that…"

"FOOL!" She turned and saw Excalibur standing with only a hint of dust on his hat.

She fell to her knees, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	3. Does the Author Have Jam?

Cracked, Packed, and Jacked; Does the Author Have Jam?

"_You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man, no time to talk~"_ Crona went singing through the supermarket. He was enjoying his carefree day without anyone yelling, screaming or talking about Medusa.

Ragnarok had his ears covered, _'This is some bullshit Crona. You sing like Andy Gibb.'_

"Hey Ragnarok should we get some jam?" Crona asked looking over the various jams.

"OUTTA MY WAY!" A girl yelled smashing into Crona sending him flying into the meat department. She scanned the shelves, "Strawberry…. Raspberry… BOYSENBERRY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH A THE POT HEAD CRACK IDEAS?!" She took a jar of apricot and threw it, it smashing into Crona's head. She fell to her knees, "WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME SO?"

"Excuse me miss." An elderly lady asked, "Can you tell me what flavor this jam is?"

Senna looked up solemnly, "Blackberry."

"Thank you." The woman smiled and walked away.

Senna knelt on the ground wallowing in pity until something clicked, "Wait…" She looked towards the elderly woman retreating down the aisle, _'Am I that desperate?'_ She shrugged, "Fuck it, I'm already going to hell for all the Soul/Dante yoai in my closet." She stood up and raced by the woman knocking her down, "YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE GRANDMA!" She grabbed the jam and took it, running as the old woman yelled,

"THESE YOUNG BITCHES BE TRIPPIN'!"

Senna stood gazing at her glorified prize when she heard, "I'M A DOOBIE!" she turned and saw Dante streaking in the store. He came running up to Senna, "Somebody smoke me!" He knocked the jam out of her hand trying to give her a high five, it shattering on the ground. He glanced down before running off, "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT SMOKING ME!"

She stood, mouth agape. She looked towards the ceiling and raised her arms, "TAKE ME I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR!"

**OUTSIDE SOUL AND MAKA'S**

"Hey Maka why's it called a blow job?" Soul asked.

Maka shrugged, "I don't know Soul. Why do you ask arbitrary, out of the blue questions when our house is burning, Lemmy's having a breakdown, and Excalibur's STILL FUCKING ALIVE?!"

He stared at her blankly before sighing, "Let me guess its pill grinder time?"

"THIS IS NOT PMS!" She yelled slamming a book into his forehead.

"Excalibur… Excalibur…" The white thing started singing.

"KILL IT! KILL IT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KILL IT!" Both Maka and Lemmy screamed running away.

**TSUBAKI'S**

'_I wonder if Senna's coming back…'_ She thought before sighing, "And Black*Star better not be in trouble again…." She seethed.

**KID'S**

"Kid! Don't hit her!" Liz yelled as Kid reared his fist back in attempt to hit a somehow high Patty.

Black*Star agreed, "Yeah dude you should never hit a woman! You're gonna get caught! You're gonna go to jail! You're gonna get raped! IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT!"

Elliot tried to put on a neutral face but it contorted into suspicion, "And how would you know about the workings of the legal system…?"

Black*Star stood for a moment avoiding eye contact, "Sometimes gods get in trouble… Sometimes that trouble involves jam… And sometimes that jam has peculiar links to a certain police officer who shall not be named…" He scoffed, "Then again who wants to hear about some boring police officer when you have me, THE GREAT BLACK*STAR TO ENTERTAIN YOU?"

Elliot was suddenly wishing he was with Blood right now, because even his stupidity could not be above what Elliot had just encountered in the past 4 minutes, "Edward… Are you hearing any of this?" He turned, searching for the shaman only to find a dotted outline of where he used to be. Elliot suddenly felt his anger boil over as Patty started singing 'Sandman' off key in the background, _'That… Bastard… Will… Pay…'_

**MEANWHILE IN A LESS ANGER FILLED VOID**

Blood drove around in his hotrod, two bimbos at his side, and smiling ear to ear, "Oh Candy… Lacey… I'M SO GLAD I MET YOU TWO!" He felt tears spring to his eyes, "You guys really understand me…"

One of the bimbos smiled, "Of course we do Blade…

"YEAH!" Nodded the other one. She smirked, "I'll drop if you give me twenty."

He sniffed, "I can see us having a beautiful future together." He lowered his voice, "Of course I can only marry one of you… therein having to fight to the death in the bondage cage I made just for this occasion."

They raised an eyebrow, "Huh?"

"SHH! I FEEL A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE!" He suddenly felt that his house, which he was on his way to, was about to explode.

As he rounded the corner a large **BOOM** made him veer into a pole, killing one of the bimbos.

He looked on in horror as his house was engulfed in flames and Lemmy came running up, "BLOOD! BLOOD! THANK GOD YOU'RE NOT HOME!" She grabbed him by the collar, "HE WAS IN THERE! I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE!" She was caught off guard by hearing the chorus of everyone's favorite song in the background…

"Excalibur… Excalibur…"

She suddenly dropped to the ground in the fetal position, hands on either side of her head, "HE WON'T FUCKING DIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

**Well… That was pointless… tbc…**


	4. Did the Author Forget Her Paxil?

_**Funnily enough, the answer is NO.**_

**Crackin' with My Homies; Did the Author Forget Her Paxil?**

**BREAKING NEWS**

The bimbo is dead.

"CANDY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Blood cried as he held the dead hooker in his arm.

The other girl leaned out of the car, "But Bryyyaaann! I'm Candy!"

He stopped crying and looked down, "Oh." He threw the girl into a nearby trashcan and started walking away, "Eh. She wasn't my favorite." He said jumping into his car and speeding away, lightning surrounding the remaining bimbo as she yelled,

"**THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!**" - (_Highlander _reference)

**IN MORE IMPORTANT ASPECTS**

"HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!" Lemmy snarled pointing at the creature.

"FOOL!" He said sticking her cane in his face, "My legend begins in the twelfth century. Surely one as old as I am-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever gramps." She said knocking the cane out of her face and walking away, hand to her chin, thinking, _'Maybe I'm not using deadly enough explosives'_ She shook her head, "Maybe I should just stick an IUD up his ass and rid myself of him." She spun around to see him nowhere and threw her fist in the air, "THE CHASE IS ON MUTHERFUCKER!"

**HAPPENING IN THE SAME AREA**

"I'M A DOOBIE!"

**IN ANOTHER AREA**

Senna was now in a place, she wasn't sure where, scowering for her beloved jam, _'This is all Tsubaki's fault. How DARE she not have the jam of all jams!'_ Seriously? Who has strawberry and not blackberry?

The place she was was run down considerably the only people she came across she thoughts were Kishin eggs and a man with a large mask and an even larger knife wearing a sack as a skirt. She came across a window covered in newspaper with something written in, what she hoped, wasn't blood, "_'There was a plot here, it's gone now.'_?" She scratched her head, "Nuh-uh. THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT OF WHICH I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH!" So she went to retrieve the Bookworm.

**MEANWHILE**

"Soul… bend over." Maka said as she tried to get her weapon to lean over a café table.

"This wouldn't happen to be one of your plans to rape me would it?"

She waved her hands in front of herself, "Of course not!"

"Alright." He bent over and she donned a latex glove.

"YO RADAR!" Senna boomed as she walked in, "I need your help." She said grabbing Maka by the shirt and dragging the unwilling person out,

"WAIT I HAD HIM IN THE PERFECT SPOT!"

**LATER**

"THIS IS WHAT YOU DRAGGED ME OUT HERE FOR?!" Maka screamed pointing to the newspaper, "We've been attacked by unspeakable things, had to deal with stupid riddles, give pills to dolls, got chased by a butcher, AND ALL OF THIS FOR BLACKBERRY JAM?"

Senna noticed that Maka was unusually bitchy at this moment, "PMS right?"

"RAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!" Maka yelled in attack. Luckily Senna had a bottle of holy water and enough Midol to subdue the girl.

After an extended period of hiding Maka had finally calmed down, "Where are we anyway?"

Senna shrugged, "Something along the lines of… Quiet Knoll?"

"You mean Silent Hill?"

Senna snapped her fingers, "That's it!" She saw Maka smashing her head into a wall, "What?"

"WE'RE FUCKED!"

**TO AN END**

Lemmy had run out of options. Senna's iron fist would definitely connect with her jaw but seeing as older girl was in… Soundless Peak…? She would have enough time to go through with her plan, collect the insurance money and skip town.

She lined the entire wall with explosives. Waiting for the right moment was just a matter of playing the waiting game. She cleared her throat, "HELP! SOMEONE'S HAVING A FUN TIME THAT NEEDS TO BE RUINED!"

Sure enough, "Did someone say they want to hear my legend?" Excalibur walked through the doorway only to see Lemmy jumping out the window,

"TIME TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

_BOOM!_

**ON SHUTTER ISLAND**

Maka fell to her knees, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


End file.
